5 Ways to Communicate What Feels Good During Sex
One of the greatest barriers to human pleasure is asking for and communicating with our partners what feels good and what doesn’t. Each person has a unique past and varying sexual experiences, and although body parts may look the same, the way each of us feels and enjoys pleasure varies greatly from one another. So what’s holding us back from communicating with someone who we are literally lying next to in bed with, naked? According to OMGYES’ years of research, we’re afraid that asking for what feels good for us will: ruin the mood, hurt someone’s feelings, or we don’t even know what feels good ourselves.
Here’s our take on how you can give and receive feedback with your partner, all while making things more pleasurable - for everyone. Whether it is your wife of 17 years or someone you met only a few weeks ago, you can follow these simple tips for communicating in the bedroom.
Know your body, show your body
First things first, you need to know what you like and what feels good for you before you can teach and show someone else what you like. Take time, explore your own body - alone. Try different places (shower, bedroom), different positions (on your back, on your front), trying different sensations (your fingers, grinding on a pillow, a vibrator) and get a sense of what feels good to you. A lifetime subscription to OMGYES costs $95 and is chalked full of helpful tips and techniques to guide your pleasure exploration.
In 2020, Goop Labs made headlines with their Netflix episode all about Pleasure. Towards the middle of the special people can be seen massaging strangers hands and giving feedback on what feels good. “I like when you pull down over my fingers, can you do more of that” one woman says. Translating this to a more intimate experience, it can be quite intimidating to initially speak up, but feedback doesn’t have to be negative. Feedback can be verbalizing the things that do feel good and asking for more of it. “I really like that” or “softer, a bit to the right” are examples of directional feedback that will leave your partner feeling good about themselves instead of with hurt feelings.
Name The Move
If your partner is doing something that feels really good, it can be useful to give the technique a name and share it with your partner. This allows you to ask for the ‘move’ again and your partner knows exactly what to do. An OMGYES respondent shares the perfect example,
“One night my partner was going down on me and for a moment, he pressed upward on the skin over my clit this certain way - and it made my clit feel totally different as he licked. It felt more amazing than anything we’d done before. So I said, ‘keep doing the push up like that’ and ever since we both know ‘the push up’ and because we have a word for it, we can go back to it and I can ask for it with a single word.”
Using nonverbal signals
If the first few tips seem fine except for the fact they require you to feel comfortable enough to speak up - something that in and of itself is challenging for you - we hear you. Many people feel far less comfortable being vocal in the bedroom and that’s okay. There’s plenty of non-verbal cues and signals you can use to let someone know what feels good and what doesn’t. Heavy breathing and moaning can help guide your partner into understanding what feels good. But they aren’t mind readers. One workaround can be showing your partner what feels good. You can either have them watch as you touch yourself in a way that feels good, or take their hand and guide them in motions and techniques that bring you pleasure.
Keep It Real
And we really can’t stress this last one enough, please don’t fake your pleasure. If something doesn’t feel good, don’t pretend that it does. And if someone is trying really hard to pleasure you in the hopes you might orgasm, don’t pretend you’re having one. Use a mix of any of the above communication tips to show them how they might pleasure you based on what actually feels good. Also, a simple, “I don’t think it’s going to happen for me today” works too. Remember, our biggest sex organ is between our ears. Sometimes no amount of physical stimulation will lead to an orgasm on a particular day, and that’s completely normal!
Small changes, Big impactStudies have found that even small changes in the approach to communication can dramatically increase pleasure. You don’t need to bring all of these ideas with you into your next rendezvous session all at once, but try incorporating one here and another there and enjoy the added pleasure.